The conjugal comedies of Uzumaki and Uchiha
by Nattle the Nettle
Summary: NaruSasuNaru. Light-hearted series of events in the 'married' life of Naruto and Sasuke. A waste basket of my homeless ideas.


**Title: **Kyuubi

**Word count:** 8,932**  
**

**Date:** 5th August 2008

Author's notes: Just something light to distract me from the angsty-ness of Diamond in the Dirt. There'll be frequent-ish updates, as I'm quite inspired and actually have time. Hope you like.

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It was the sound of their strangled help-me-I'm being-murdered cries that woke me up. What possessed them to invent that kind of communication? Naruto, of course, slept on obliviously. He seems to do these things to just to irritate me.

I sleep pressed up against the wall by his back – we share a large single (or tiny double, depending on how you look at it) in a Box Room and he has some obsession with spooning that he is in denial about me refusing – and it takes some skilful ninja-style moves to escape him and the bed without waking him or alerting him to my 'abandoning' of him.

I have to tiptoe across the room with my eyes glued to the floor because Naruto insists that having twenty to thirty miscellaneous items vomited across the floor is tidy and comes over all insulted if I go anywhere near it with a vacuum cleaner. If I step on any of these items I'll be either A, fatally wounded or B, shouted at Naruto and hauled back into bed to be pressed against the wall again or worse: snuggling or cuddling.

When I reach the window to look outside I'm faced with the problem of actually getting the curtains open without shining moonlight on any part of Naruto's body. In compensation for his deafness while sleeping, he is very sensitive to light and has to sleep in bottom-of-the-ocean darkness. Peering at Blondie with a look akin to terror on my face, I peel back a fraction of the curtain and freeze when his hand twitches. But it's a false alarm, he's deep in sleep. I've almost forgotten what I'm looking for when I hear that distressed (and distressing) strangled noise outside.

I look out into our patch of grass that's supposedly a garden. Naruto's got some sunflowers growing at the end, but they're still shoots that are only visible with a magnifying glass. He showed me them proudly when I got back from work.

And suddenly there it is. The little creature whose terrible cries woke me up. He's stuck. I'd better set him free so he can join his family. He's a cub by the looks of it.

Getting out of the room is another mini-adventure, but urgency makes me a bit more skilful in my navigation. Naruto stirs as I leave the room but I don't know if I've woken him or not. The stairs creak as I go down them and when I feel the cold wood floor under my feet I remember that I've forgotten my shoes.

In the kitchen I turn on the security light that floods my garden with harsh light. I can see the cub's eyes shining at the back of the garden. I didn't really think this through. They're wild animals, foxes. It's probably crawling with diseases and will most probably try to bite.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" Naruto mumbles sleepily from behind me. The security light probably woke him. He joked once that it was so powerful that any criminal passing through out garden would be blinded.

"There's a fox cub stuck at the back of the garden," I reply. He joins me and looks out sleepily but his eyes light up when he sees it. I know that look. He's going to say something absurd like –

"It's so small! Sasuke, do you think we could keep it?" Like that. When I start to shake my head he starts to frown. "He's little and lost. How can you just let him go?"

"He's a wild animal. He's probably got his mother looking for him." I think of those strangled cries and cringe. And I've started to call it a 'him'. Naruto's going to argue.

"If he can't find his mother, then can we keep him?" I don't know how a grown man can come out with these ridiculous notions. He had a pretty messed-up childhood but one would think that a man of twenty-four would know what was appropriate and what was not.

"He's a wild animal. He wouldn't like being a pet. Anyway, he's vermin. He'll have diseases." I think this a completely reasonable thing to say. He, however, does not.

"He is not vermin! He's a baby and he's lost." I'm losing my patience with him, and the little fox is still stuck outside.

"I'm going to set him free, Naruto. He might be hurt." Without waiting for a reply I open the kitchen door and go outside.

Upon seeing me, it starts to mewl pitifully and I pray that it won't assault my ears with those horrible sounds. When I approach it, slowly and crouched down so that I don't seem like a threat, it starts to struggle to get away. I stop so that it doesn't hurt itself more and try to assess how it's stuck. It's got its hind leg stuck to the ground with some kind of barbed or chicken wire, and it's bleeding.

I turn around and go back to Naruto. He looks at me curiously, but knows not to be loud so as not to spook the cub any further.

"What's the matter?" he says in a low voice. "Is he hurt?"

"It's got its leg caught on some wire and it's bleeding." Naruto's face twists with sympathy. I've just remembered that his favourite animals are foxes. He doodles them when he's on the phone to phone companies or our internet providers and keeps getting put on hold. They're crude swirls with pointy ears and fluffy tails. Sometimes he colours them with the orange highlighters I bring home from work.

"I'll call the vet," he says and goes to the study to grab the phone directory and the phone. I watch the cub crane its neck to inspect its wound. I don't want to risk untangling it but I want to do something. I fill up a saucer with water and carry it out to the cub. It's scared but it doesn't struggle anymore. I wonder if that's a good or bad sign and then worry about whether it will try to bite if I come too close.

I set the saucer down a metre or so away from it and nudge it the rest of the way with my foot. It eyes the saucer warily and then flicks its ear nervously at me. I move away slowly and go back into the house where Naruto is just getting off the phone.

"They're going to send someone over," he says. Until the vet arrives he watches the fox-let like a hawk, grabbing my hand at every attempt it makes to move. I was feeling pretty sorry for it too. The thought of it being too late crossed my mind, and I'm sure it crossed Naruto's too.

Surprisingly the person they send doesn't take long to arrive as one would imagine another would, it being a little past four in the morning. Dr. Aburame Shino. He refuses my offer of tea or coffee despite the late (or early) hour and stoically assures Naruto that the fox will be okay. He must be pretty pissed, I can't help thinking, about being called out of his bed to treat vermin. But I suppose that's his job.

We're invited to watch as he sedates the cub and gently peels away the chicken wire. The blood starts to flow and the cub or Naruto whimpers. Maybe it's both. It's interesting so I watch as he cleans the wound and bandages it tightly, saying it won't need stitches. When he's done he let's Naruto stroke it, and he does so with a mixture of rapture and concern on his face.

Shino puts the cub in a cardboard box lined with a blanket to take back to the veterinary practice. Naruto begins to ask if we can look after him since we found him and the box is thrusted into his arms with Shino saying he can call anytime and that he'd be back in a few days to check on him.

I get no say in anything, as always. Naruto spends the next twenty minutes cooing over and stroking the cub. When he does come to bed I find myself pushed against the wall in a tangle of his arms and legs with his nose touching my pulse point. He's unmovable until my alarm goes off at seven and he untangles himself to eat breakfast with me.

When we get downstairs, we find that the fox cub has chewed away one side of his box. Naruto, for some reason, finds this incredibly amusing and goes over to coo and stroke some more. I laugh when he retracts his hand quickly with a yelp.

"He bit me!"

"Why are you surprised?"

He punches me. Needless to say, breakfast is eaten in a stony silence until the cub starts making that awful sound.

Naruto and I start panicking. How do you make it stop? Naruto thinks that our neighbour is being murdered until he sees the cub's muzzle in the air and realises the sound is coming from it's powerful little lungs. Too wary to try to silence it with contact he makes 'soothing' shushing noises at it. I – coward – run away upstairs and am ready and out of the house in ten minutes, leaving Naruto to deal with it.

When I get back from work the house is suspiciously quiet. I go through to the kitchen expecting to find a murdered cub and sobbing Naruto with a bloody kitchen knife in his hand but am confronted with the sight of ripped up newspaper, a pulpy cardboard mess (presumably what had been a cardboard box this morning) and a lot of mess. Naruto and the cub sit angelically at the table, watching me. Naruto is wearing gardening gloves to stroke the cub.

"What happened?" I ask, but I'm not sure I want to know. Naruto looks a bit afraid – trepidation written all over his face – which makes me certain I'm not going to like what I hear.

"I've cleaned up the worst of the mess," is what he begins with. "I think he wanted to go home. He destroyed his box when I was upstairs cleaning our room and he did this and a bit more to the kitchen." He looks decidedly sheepish and is acting like a housewife which means only one thing: something really bad happened earlier. He insists I'm the 'wife' even though I'm the main breadwinner and he's the one who cleans and (attempts to) cook while I'm out. He does have a job, but it's all done from home.

"Kyuubi can't help being bad," he says beseechingly. "He's a wild animal." So now he gets it. And 'Kyuubi'? I decided not to pursue the foxes antics and instead ask about his name.

"I thought you were intelligent, Sasuke," he drawls scornfully, leaving me taken aback and a little wounded. "Look at the death and destruction he's left in his evil little path." That made me laugh. Her had very witty moments, did Naruto.

Kyuubi's leg looks better already, or is that wishful thinking? I pray that we can release him soon. I'm not sure how long our house can withstand his rampage. Kyuubi sends me an evilly inquisitive look that strikes fear into my heart. Evil foxy demon. Naruto is oblivious, feeding it bits of torn garden glove.

"He could sleep upstairs tonight," Blondie says simply which means he won't take no for an answer. I am whipped. After dinner, Kyuubi and a new (plastic and hopefully indestructible) box move upstairs into the box room. Naruto wasn't lying when he said he'd been tidying our room. I could see some floor winking up at me through organised piles of debris.

I leave Naruto and Kyuubi in the bedroom and have a shower. I hear a blood-curdling scream from the bedroom as Kyuubi goes for poor, kind-hearted Naruto's jugular. I am savvy, however, and dispel this illusion. It is Kyuubi's fox trickery and I know it's him making those noises to lure me into 'his' 'den'.

Naruto is apparently under a spell. He won't drop his childish glee even when Kyuubi is stapled to the bottom of his indestructible evilness container. Naruto bites me (?) and giggles (!) until I lose my patience with him and push him off the bed, telling him to sleep with the fox.

He sobers up and pushes me against the wall with his back as usual, and then turns around to face me with this incredibly predatory expression. _Not in front of the fox-child! _comes to mind for all of two nanoseconds. And then: o_h well, he's evil enough to cover perverted voyeur_.

The next day is Saturday. This usually means we'll do something nice (if it's my turn to choose). Since it's my father's birthday on Sunday, Naruto gets to choose. He is – well within his right to be – terrified of my father, who frowns on our relationship. He frowns a lot, but he frowns even more upon this. He seems to think rough-childhood Naruto is holding me against my will. Far from it.

Anyway, Naruto sanely and rationally decides to invite Kiba (best friend) and Sakura (his other best friend and ex-girlfriend) over to see Kyuubi. Which annoys me a bit, seeing as both are extremely loud and will probably make the house even messier than it already is. Kiba also has a dog-obsession and will insist on bringing his very large dog, Akamaru, along.

After making a few phone calls they decide to come round for lunch that I'm supposed to be cooking. Naruto asks for a three course meal. After much nagging and angry-thrusting-of-evil-fox-in-face I agree to it. Can't be too hard. An Italian style starter of bread and ham, cheese and vegetables to go on bread. Continuing with the Italian theme, some pasta for mains. And then a purchased dessert.

I can't believe I'm doing this. The fridge is so empty I swear I see a tumbleweed float across it. So now I have to do the weekly shop?

"Why didn't you go shopping this week?" I ask him, annoyed. He looks annoyed at me for asking.

"I was _busy_. Kyuubi, work, tidying. It's not like _you're_ ever at home to see me do all the things I have to do." Oh, he didn't just accuse me of not being around, did he? But I'm not going to argue with him when he's armed with Kyuubi.

"Fine, fine. But next week it's your job." When did he start to walk all over me like that?

I go out to the local grocery store and pick up bread, pasta, fiddly things like peppers and artichokes in olive oil to go on the bread, some tomato sauce that I can put herbs in to make it look fancy and homemade (which is what Naruto's looking for), two bottles of red wine and a chocolate gateau for dessert, even though I hate chocolate, Sakura claims to be lactose intolerant and Naruto and Kiba will eat so much it'll make them sick. Oh well, Naruto should've thought about that before making me do everything for him.

Somehow, it ends up incredibly expensive and that puts me in a grouchy mood because I could've ordered in for less. It's also eaten up most of the morning, which makes it even more annoying. However, when I get back Naruto is very apologetic and makes it up to me for a few minutes.

Kiba and Sakura arrive together when I've set the table and started adding stuff to the tomato sauce. I slyly hide the tomato sauce jar.

"Mmm! That smells so good, Sasuke? What is it?" Sakura says by way of greeting. It beats air-kissing Ino, Naruto's half-sister, though. I'm not complaining.

"_Penne al pomodoro_," I tell her, and she squeals excitedly about how much she loves Italian cuisine but will only eat a little because she's cutting down on carbohydrates. To cheer her up I tell her she's thin enough. Naruto smiles approvingly at me over her head. He likes it that I get on with her.

Akamaru the dog greets me too. He jumps up and puts his paws on my chest, as if saying 'you're not so tall, I can almost touch the top of your head'. Sourly, I tell him (telepathically) to dream on.

Naruto invites them all upstairs to look at Kyuubi and they all follow with squeals (Sakura) and curses (Kiba). Akamaru tries to follow but I know there'll be trouble so I grab him by the collar. He looks a tad affronted at first, but soon sits lovingly at my feet with adoring gazes up at me when I feed him ham. The way to a dog's heart is through his stomach.

It gets quite companionable. Akamaru, me, silence. It's the peace I often long for around this house. I've always been a bit of a dog person, even though my father would never get one for Itachi (brother) and I. We clamoured for one a little in our youth but nothing came to fruit. My mother is allergic anyway. It would have been impractical.

I pat him on the head once the food's cooked and ready to eat. He's a nice dog but Kiba insists on toughening him up by not training him basic dog etiquette (not to jump up at people, not to sit on furniture, to obey commands etc). Akamaru responds to the pat violently, standing up and stepping on my feet various times and then bounding towards the stairs. Oh dear.

I chase after him like a lunatic – what will he do to Kyuubi. As I rush up the stairs I hear squealing (Sakura), curses (Kiba), barks (Akamaru) and panicking (Naruto). I crash into the Box Room and see Sakura curled up on the bed in terror, Kiba straddling Akamaru to keep him away from Kyuubi and Naruto holding Kyuubi above his head. I respond by laughing, earning death glares from everybody.

Between us, Kiba and I manage to haul Akamaru back downstairs and throw him into the garden, where he is locked out. Poor Akamaru. Naruto and Sakura decide to bring Kyuubi downstairs 'so he's not lonely' and torture Akamaru further. They all help themselves to the food (ignoring the starters at first until Naruto finds them and offers them around). Sakura eats a portion equivalent to what one would expect a toddler coming off baby food would eat. She makes up for it by drinking two glasses of wine as everybody else eats their healthy, adult-sized portions. She is quite tipsy by the time we've finished, starting on her third glass. I'm still on my first.

As usual after eating (or over-eating, I should say), Naruto and Kiba spend ten minutes belching and patting their stomachs. Sakura and I spend a companionable moment pulling faces and discouraging further belching. We are both unsuccessful, and Sakura let's out two hiccups that seem to put them on their side according to Kiba.

I've almost forgotten about Kyuubi when he let's out a blood-curdling scream. And starts to chew on my (expensive) sneakers. Sakura, undeterred by his nausea-inducing sounds (and quite tipsy), coos and bends over to pick him up. I start to remind her that he's not a pet but Kyuubi beats me to it with a sharp bite at the 'enemy' hand. For the rest of her stay not a coo escapes her.

Kiba makes his excuses straight after dessert. Akamaru, preparations for his Saturday night that involve lining his stomach with milk, buying condoms. I manage to contain my snide reply to the last excuse. Naruto doesn't do as well, and tells Kiba that he'll probably only get to use them on Akamaru. He takes it pretty well, if Naruto receiving a punch to the head and being told that at least he (Kiba) knew where to put his Mini Kiba. No joke. 'Mini Kiba'. Naruto and I blush guiltily.

So Kiba leaves, closely followed by a swaying and uncomfortable Sakura.

"Food was great," she hiccups. She ate about three mouthfuls and no dessert. "I'm just sorry I can't stay longer. It's just that I promised I'd go to Mango with Ino – it's that knew club I was telling you about, Naruto. You should come with us sometime." I feel a frisson of jealousy knowing that Naruto has been talking to her without telling me anything. She hugs us both before she goes.

I hope she's not driving.

We're (meaning: I'm) left with the food debris. Naruto's getaway is Kyuubi, who is supposedly terrified after his ordeal with Akamaru and has defecated and urinated a few times on the kitchen floor. I tell him that it's fine, he can clear off with the fox, but he has to clean up the mess 'his' fox made. He sulkily agrees, cleaning up with a revolted expression on his face and much groaning. I remind him that it was his idea to look after Kyuubi and that he could call Aburame Shino whenever.

That shuts him up.

The clearing and washing up takes the best part of an hour, and then there's the ironing from last week that needs doing, the clothes to go in the washing machine, the wrapping of my father's presents… I usually leave chores (yes, the ones that Naruto is supposed to do during the week) for Sunday, but this weekend that's out. I really didn't want to have people over today. It feels like I'll never be able to put my feet up.

I'm slightly cheerier when Naruto sits (albeit with the evil demon fox) and keeps me company while I iron. He chats happily about what he did at work, the people he spoke to, things he thought about. He's so sunny it's infectious.

"So she's called asking about her royalties and gets really side-tracked. She got this dog, an Alsatian puppy, who is really lively and doesn't give her any peace. Her husband loves dogs but this one drives her mad. It was really funny. She kept putting her hand over the receiver to tell it to stop chewing her feet or peeing on the brand new carpet…" He laughs loudly, eyes crinkled. Hn. Reminds me of a certain fox. I give Kyuubi a quick glare.

I'm momentarily distracted and don't realise Naruto has started talking again until I hear a sad edge to his voice. Miniscule, but still there. "Do you think your family will ever like me, Sasuke?"

"They do like you," I reassure him. "My dad is just a bit more, ah, traditional. He wanted me to have sons to carry on the family name. He doesn't understand that Itachi can do exactly that. My mother likes you a lot. And you and Itachi get on, don't you?" He pouts a little, but nods in agreement. Itachi can be a bit slimy with him, but it seems to make Naruto laugh. My mother loves him simply because I do. It's just my father…

He doesn't exactly go out of his way to be horrible to Naruto. He just doesn't really acknowledge him. Pretends he can't hear what Naruto says to him from time to time, or will make a comment about wives or grandchildren. It upsets Naruto.

"We're going to have to bring Kyuubi with us." Oh no. No. Naruto sees the refusal immediately. "We can't leave him here. He'll be lonely." No. No, I'm not taking a fox to my father's birthday dinner. "He'll disturb the neighbours?" Naruto tries, still seeing the refusal. Nope, the neighbours can stand it. Naruto thinks for a moment, and then smiles triumphantly. "He'll make a mess."

Oh god. The floors. The carpet. The house. Can they survive his wrath…? Naruto can still see the doubt. "If he doesn't go, I don't go." He says firmly. Well, that settles it.

We leave for my father's house at eleven o'clock. I've wrapped my present to him and Naruto's. My gift to him is a ridiculously expensive weekend for two in France at a wine tasting course and a platinum bottle opener for him to enjoy later. Go figure, I got the second part on Itachi's recommendation. Naruto has bought him a first edition book on my recommendation. That, too, was ridiculously expensive but he managed to get a considerable discount through one of his clients. Both presents are sitting on Naruto's lap just in case Kyuubi decides he wants to open them or eat them or something.

The closer we get to his house (an hour's drive from our house) the bigger the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. My father would not be happy about Kyuubi. Naruto also looks peaky, but for a different reason. I can't help but feel glad he's suffering, too. This fox thing will do him no favours with my father, if I'm brutally honest.

"Maybe I should just stay at home with Kyuubi…" Naruto pipes up. I look at him incredulously. For one, he's never backed out of a visit to my father's through his stubborn determination to win over my father and for another, we're forty minutes into the drive by this time. I take my eyes off the road to look at him (check if he's being serious). He is being serious.

"Don't worry about Kyuubi. One of my cousins will probably take an interest in him and they'll play with him all day. My father won't even know he's there." You're pushing it, Sasuke. My younger cousins probably would like the evil demon, but my father would never **not** notice him. He was too grouchy and aggressive to let it pass. Especially on his birthday.

"You're lying to me." He sulks, but then relents. "But thank you."

And all is well. Until we arrive.

The thing about my family is that it's huge. We're one of those traditional clans you hear about in stories from a million or so years ago. No, we don't have a special tartan like the Scottish, but we do have a logo. A symbol. It is a red and white fan, because our surname – Uchiha – comes from the word fan. But I digress.

We're an enormous bunch. We can't celebrate birthdays at restaurants because the whole family turns up and the restaurant turns out too small. Wedding receptions take place in castles or similarly large locations. The wedding itself usually takes place outdoors, in a field somewhere. We wouldn't be able to fit into any of the ridiculously small buildings offered even if we were Tetris-ed into them. Naruto found this very funny the first time. Only the first time though. You have no idea how stressful collecting my family together is.

Altogether – aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, third cousins etc – there are about two hundred of us. The Uchiha women are a very fertile bunch, it seems. My family (mother, father, brother) is very small beside others. It's not unusual to have a family of seven children, husband, wife and aged grandparent. Maybe even and aunt or uncle.

This resulted in the family separating into three or four groups and spreading across the country. The four groups each own a large farm or ranch so that we can have reunions at every birthday, wedding or public holiday. We take turns at Christmas and Easter. This year it'll be in the south, a lovely five and a half hour drive (no traffic, dream on) in my father's people carrier with my mother, Itachi, Naruto, Itachi's wife and Itachi's daughter (no sons yet, father's counting on the fertility thing).

So when we arrive we are greeted by a human wall of two hundred Uchihas. Naruto pales and slides down in his seat. I'm tempted to do the same. Itachi's already here – when will he ever arrive after me? His kid, Rin, is standing by his side, overwhelmed by the amount of people that all look the same as her. She's four years old, I think. I must find out when her birthday is…

"Sasuke," Naruto whimpers when I don't get out of the car.

"Come on," I say grimly, taking the presents off his lap so that he can pick up Kyuubi. Once we're out of the car he clips the lead he purchased from a pet store yesterday to Kyuubi's collar. He loathes walking with the lead. We had a test run yesterday. When Naruto tries to make him walk – limp – over to my father's house, he starts up his horrible noise, making my relatives, who are already staring, grimace or cover their ears in an affected way. Oh, come on, it's not _that_ bad…

It's like one of those dreams where you keep running but never move. The closer we get to the wall of Uchihas, the further away they seem. The Long Walk with a Screaming Fox. I make sure I don't look at Itachi.

Damn. Looked at him. He has a smirk as big as China on his face. Rin is looking curiously at Kyuubi in a way that tells me she wants to make friends.

We finally reach the wall, and I'm enveloped in hugs and kissed by every woman. The men shake hands, apart from the Ancient Ones, who kiss too. That's always awkward for me, and probably for them. My life is almost a scandal to the family.

When I reach Itachi, he says: "Hi, S-Ass-Cake, lovely little brother of mine. How are you these days? I feel I hardly see you…" I wonder why.

"How's that son coming along?" I ask him in retaliation. He frowns. Father's already got to him today_. Score_.

I check on Naruto, who is being asked about the fox. He seems to be managing, answering questions with enthusiasm. Luckily, the relatives asking him are the softer ones – you know, the favourite aunt and uncle, young cousins. Soon he'll be relived of fox duty. I make my way over to him and squat in front of the kids.

"How would one of you like to look after Kyuubi for today?" The adults chuckle at the name and Naruto starts to explain animatedly. The children, my second or third cousins on my mother's side, if I remember correctly, clamour.

"Yes!"

"Please, Sasuke!"

"Can I hold him?"

And so on.

"Okay, you can look after him, but you have to find an adult to help you. Can you do that and then come back to me?" They all run off, high-pitched squeals of pleasure unbound. I straighten up and catch sight of Rin running towards me. She wraps her arms around one of my legs and gazes up at me adoringly.

"Hello, Rin," I say.

"Hi," she grins shyly. I'm suddenly seized by fear. She looks a lot like Itachi. "Sasuke, if my daddy watches, can I hold the fox?" _Hmm? What's this, Sasuke? The smell of vengeance is in the air? _

"Of course." I tell her, and she darts off again.

"She's such a cute kid," Naruto says to me, watching her run over to Itachi. Rin adores Naruto because he's different to everyone here. His eyes and hair are like the eyes and hair of every prince in her fairytale stories and Disney DVDs. We watch her return, dragging her father after her. Her mother follows behind laughing. Itachi gives me a long, cold stare. I smirk back. It's not quite as big as China, but it's good enough.

"Hi, Itachi," Naruto greets happily. "Hi, Mitsuko. How are you?"

"I'm fine," she says warmly. "And yourself? How is your work coming along?"

"Great, great. Thanks for recommending me." I tune out their conversation once I know that Naruto's on safe ground. I don't know how Mitsuko ended up marrying my brother.

Itachi regards me coldly until Rin tugs him down to her height with what I recognise as my own cringe-worthy attention-seeking. As a child (to the age of eight) I used to trail after Itachi clamouring for him to play with me. Rin is as successful as I was. Itachi could never say no to me until everything became this mad competition over who got the better grade, even though he's five years older than me. He'd set the grade, and I'd try to surpass it. He sees getting married and having a daughter as a victory over me.

"Look, daddy, I'm holding him! His name is Kyuubi because he destroyed their house."

I see him debating not responding to Rin, but he can't do it. "Well done, Rin. Isn't he a nice fox? He's like that DVD you have, isn't he?"

"Yes. The Fox and the Hound! I want one, daddy."

Oh, Sasuke, you've created a monster. I can't help but snigger.

"Sasuke, I think father wanted to see you. You have seen him today, haven't you? It is his birthday after all." He's right. It slipped my mind. I grab Naruto's arm (hand is a big no around my father) and pull him through groups of relatives to the house, where my father sits like a king receiving his gifts. When he spots me, he doesn't look very pleased to see me. Sometimes I think he doesn't like me all that much.

"Happy birthday, father," I pant, thrusting my gift at him and shoving Naruto's into Naruto's hands so that he can present my father with something.

"Thank you, Sasuke, son. You didn't have to go to any trouble." He manages to say this in a way that makes it seem like I'd offended him. But that's just his way. He opens the card first – with the tickets for the wine tasting – and looks terribly weary. "I don't know when I'll find the time to go to France. My weekends have been incredibly busy." I doubt that, but shrug my shoulder helplessly.

"Ah, well, that's life…" I mumble. My father opens the next present and a stern smile flashes across his face for a split-second. He pats my hand.

"Thank you, son." Naruto steps forward and offers his gift.

"Happy birthday, sir." My father eyes Naruto warily as he receives his gift. He doesn't say anything. No 'thank you'. Hardly acknowledging him. In a blur of irritation, I take Naruto's hand. Naruto is surprised, and my father pretends not to see.

"This is a first edition?" he asks dubiously, turning the book over in his hands. He sees that it is. "Very good, boy." He says gruffly to Naruto, who looks thrilled. "But what's this I hear about you bringing a fox here? You know what I think of vermin…"

The day finally crawls to an end after a disaster of a meal (children initiate a food fight, various people get drunk despite it being a Sunday, Kyuubi goes missing and is found by Itachi knocking over bins) and a very long and confusing conversation that involved the entire family somehow. Naruto, Kyuubi and I are thoroughly exhausted. I almost fall asleep at the wheel.

When we get home, Kyuubi is caged straight away and doesn't complain. Naruto and I somehow get through having showers and brushing teeth before collapsing onto the bed. I'm honestly surprised when my alarm goes off the next morning for work.

We eat our breakfast (Naruto makes pancakes that are surprisingly edible and enjoyable) and Naruto chatters as I get ready for work. Kyuubi doesn't approve of the peace that has fallen over us both and destroys it immediately by urinating in his box whilst making those horrible noises. I leave early again. Really, that fox will destroy our relationship.

Work is almost blissful after the hectic weekend. I'm quite sad when six o'clock comes round and it's time to leave.

I get home to find that Kyuubi is being released tomorrow. I try not to show my relief.

"Shino called around lunchtime and told me to take him to the vet's by the park. He took off his bandage, look…" Naruto points forlornly at the un-bandaged leg. "He said to give it one more night in case he gets sick or anything. If nothing happens we'll release him at the park tomorrow evening. You'll come, won't you?" With champagne and fireworks…

"Sure."

Without his bandage Kyuubi seems hell-bent on reducing the house to rubble. We let him go out into the garden with his leash on to give our home a break. He loves being outdoors after being under house arrest for so long (decided my father's birthday didn't count as he was being babysat by children). Naruto comments on this sadly and I remind him that Kyuubi is a wild animal. I do feel a little sad myself to see him go, though…

At night Naruto curls up close to me, truly miserable. In an act of friendship to Naruto, Kyuubi keeps us awake all night by telling us how much he loves us in his lovely fox voice. When my alarm goes off, the tinny ringing is as beautiful as a choir of angels in contrast to that awful din. Even Naruto seems a bit iffy with Kyuubi after that. I notice he doesn't coo as he lifts the cub out of his box/prison.

I leave for work later today, spending some quality time with Kyuubi as demanded of me by Naruto. I make Kyuubi a toy out of two old socks (Naruto's, obviously) and he loves it, chewing it and playing tug of war with Naruto and me. It's almost like having a little dog until he gets miffed at us for 'stealing away' his 'prey' and makes that horrible screaming noise.

Work passes by as blissfully as it did yesterday, although my hard work is penetrated by phone calls from Naruto every hour asking me if I'm going to be home on time.

"Yes," I assure him at his half past five call. "I'll be on time. I'm leaving in half and hour." Shikamaru, a colleague, asks me why Naruto keeps calling so I explain to him about Kyuubi. He makes a clicking noise with his tongue and huffs about how troublesome small animals are. His wife wants a dog, apparently. I tell him about Naruto's client and her husband's Alsatian.

"It won't be an Alsatian – they're not fashionable enough." He sighs. "She wants one of those rat things. Chihuahuas. She says she'll carry it around in her handbag." We both shake our heads sadly. He wishes me luck when I leave.

Naruto seems to have packed a suitcase for Kyuubi. There is a large bag on the porch. I let myself into the house and start by asking Naruto why there is a large bag on the porch. He pops his head out over the banisters upstairs.

"Oh, I'm kicking you out." _What?_ "Just kidding. I found a load of stuff on our bedroom floor that we don't use." He sounds surprised and I wonder why. Most of our clutter is due to him never throwing anything away. "I'm going to drop it off at the animal charity for their summer sale." He shines with altruism.

"Where's Kyuubi?" I ask, having not seen a mess on the floor, been bitten or heard his horrible voice.

"He's upstairs, sleeping. I fed him sweets to see if it would make him sick so we could keep him for longer." _**What? **_"Kidding again. He's actually out in the garden. On his leash, so don't worry." I visibly relax, shoulder slumping. Naruto snickers.

"Do you want any help tidying?" He blinks at me and then realisation dawns on his face.

"Oh, I'm not tidying any more. I'm just doing some research." Probably for his work. I nod. "Ah, before I forget: Itachi called. He and Mitsuko are going on a weekend wine tasting in France in a few weeks' time and they want us to look after Rin. Can we?" My jaw almost drops. The sneaky weasel! He recommended that wine tasting so that father would give it to him!

"Yeah, that's fine," I mumble detachedly. I need some alcohol. Now. I propel myself over to our alcohol cabinet and pour myself some whisky. I rationalise with myself: at least he liked Naruto's present, which will always be more important than him liking mine. The alcohol and that thought lower the urge to kill my older brother. I'll return Rin to him on a sugar high instead.

Eight o'clock rolls round and it's dusk. I call Shino who says he'll be over in fifteen minutes. He had an emergency call out and is on his way. I thank him and hang up. Naruto is watching me hopefully until I tell him that Shino's on his way and his face falls. Shamelessly he tells me that he was hoping Shino wouldn't make it.

When Shino arrives Kyuubi is high on prison-break energy. He pulls on his leash (Shino was very stern with Naruto about domesticating Kyuubi – I'm only glad Naruto didn't tell him about how much domestic life Kyuubi had been exposed to) as we walk the short distance to the park. It was a bit of an anticlimax, letting Kyuubi go. You see all of those animal films where the animal gives you this stare over their shoulder and you know it's thanking you.

Not Kyuubi. Naruto says his goodbyes and pats him (is bitten) and makes me do the same (not bitten, I only pretend to pat him). Shino watches with weary tolerance. Naruto takes off his collar and he takes off like a dart. No looks over shoulder. I'm surprised to find how disappointed I am. You'd think he'd be at least a little grateful. We stare into the bushes, imagining he'll come back to give us his meaningful look. Shino starts to walk away.

_That's it?_ Naruto looks about as shocked as I am.

Shino leaves, refusing tea or coffee again (I'm not surprised; he probably thinks we're mad). Naruto bites his lip and then bursts out: "what an ungrateful little bastard! He didn't even look back!" I nod in fierce agreement. I'd been expecting the look. We both bitch about Kyuubi's ungratefulness and about all the times he ruined our lives. Despite our outrage, there's a disconcerting little hole in our hearts where he'd been for the past four days.

A week later, I come home to find Naruto waiting eagerly for me at the foot of the stairs. He pulls me to sit down beside him, eyes shining. I'm worried, very worried. He has an idea and wants to involve me in it. I do not want to be involved in his ideas. He brandishes a thousand and one leaflets, waving them tantalisingly in my face until I grab his wrist and hold them steady. They all seem to be about…

_The Akita Inu – Japanese Bear Dog_. "What's this all about?" I ask, although I have a hunch. Dread descends. I ready my excuses.

"Well," he draws out the word, and then launches into his speech. "I was researching dogs when I was at home with Kyuubi. You like dogs, don't you Sasuke? I've seen you play with Akamaru." I cringe - it's true. We played fetch at the beach once and I even went in the water in my joy. "Kiba says that he's really happy to have Akamaru. Sakura said even she'd get a dog if she had the time to look after one – you know those rat ones? Chihuahuas? I looked for a really nice dog, and I found loads of recommendations for this one. They're not too big, they don't shed hair, they're really intelligent and like going for walks. It would be the perfect dog."

I let this sink in and still don't want one. Our house would suffer so much. Kyuubi had put me off animals severely. I only had to see an animal and I'd shudder. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but seriously? Us? A dog? What would we do with it?

"You know that dogs live for around thirteen years. We have a small house. We both work." _Naruto works at home_, I scold myself for the slip but plough on. "It's not really practical, is it?"

"Just think about it, Sasuke," Naruto says seriously. He hands me the leaflets and goes into the kitchen to tend to dinner. Conveniently the food is edible and sane. A bribe.

A dog means too much. It means family – a wife-and-two-kids style family. Naruto and I aren't a family, are we? And what would we do about holidays? Who'd take care of it? Who'd clean up after it? I wouldn't. Naruto certainly wouldn't. It just wouldn't work.

Who would walk it? I could do evenings and weekends, but a dog needs at least two walks a day. I wasn't going to get up at five o'clock in the morning to walk a dog. Naruto certainly wouldn't. He'd be too busy to do it during the day.

And all the bills… vets, insurance, kennels, vaccinations, training… it would end up costing more than the house.

Despite all that, it does sound appealing. At least Naruto would have somebody to look after him during the day. And I'd quite like a dog alongside me when I go jogging (it's not often, I'm usually much too busy). I can imagine a caravan holiday at the beach like that time with Kiba, playing fetch. Eurgh, this fantasy is almost shameful.

I think about it all night. I even dream about it. I raise the issue with Shikamaru.

"I'm thinking of getting a dog," I tell him over a coffee in the staff room. He raises his eyebrows and sighs.

"Wasn't the demon fox troublesome enough?" he asks in his long-suffering voice. I shrug helplessly.

"What about the wife? Has she given up yet?" I retaliate. He snorts.

"No, but I haven't either. I keep telling her to see what she thinks after the baby's born." Temari is seven months pregnant. "She gets angry when I say that and makes me buy her more of those potato smiley faces." He glares at nothing in particular. I suppress a laugh at his vehemence.

"Ah."

"Dogs are trouble. They'll eat up all your spare time."

Despite Shikamaru's warning, a little bit of me still wants one. I continue to think it over. Naruto still wants one too. He's restraining himself, but it's obvious he's dying to know what my decision will be. At this stage I'm not really sure if my decision will count for anything. It's more than likely that if I say I don't want one he'll go out and buy one anyway.

One night I get home to find Naruto sitting at the foot of the stairs again. He pulls me down to sit between his legs. It's crunch time.

"Have you thought about it?" Haven't stopped thinking about it.

"Yes."

"And what do you think?" he looks at me eagerly.

"If I say no will you go out and get one anyway?" He looks guilty.

"No," he says, but it sounds suspiciously like a yes.

"If we get one – I said **IF** we get one – I'm not going to clean up after it. I'm not going to wake up at five o'clock in the morning to walk it. I'm not going wash it. You're going to walk it every day even if you're busy. Even if it's raining. If you find out we've run out of dog food on Christmas Day _you_ are going to go out and buy it even if every shop is closed. I'm not going to do everything. I'll pay it's vet bills and things like that, but it's your responsibility." Naruto nods, but I have to make sure he understands. "I'll give it back if you don't."

"I'll do everything. I've always wanted a dog."

"Okay then. We'll get a dog."

Naruto cheers and kisses me on the mouth before jumping to his feet. Within seconds he's on the phone to Kiba. "One week. I made him say yes in one week. I didn't even have to beg!" I wish immediately that I had dragged it out longer.

Two weeks later we return from an Akita Inu breeder (recommended to us by Kiba) with our puppy. He is from a line of prestigious pedigree Red Akita Inus, but this means nothing to us. We simply blink when the breeder goes through his sires and dams. Naruto tells me later that all he'd done as the breeder had read out the awards was stare at her moustache. I had done exactly the same. She'd attempted bleaching without much luck, by the looks of it.

He is an expensive puppy. Two hundred thousand ryo. The equivalent of one-hundredth of our house. I'd obediently signed the cheque though. Our puppy was the greatest – strong chest, proud face, intelligent eyes. Practically an Uchiha.

In the car Naruto listed names.

"How about Kyuubi?"

"No."

"Why?"

"He's not that fox."

"How about Hunter?"

"No."

"Why?"

"He's not a hunter."

"He could be if we wanted to go hunting."

"But we're not going hunting."

"How about Fugaku?"

"What?"

"Fugaku. After your dad."

"You're crazy."

"Fine. How about…"

He ran out of ideas after I vetoed every suggestion he put forward. Eventually he turned sulkily to me and told me to pick the name. I thought about it.

"Why not call him something that matches his looks?" Honestly, no names are coming to mind. Naruto turns around to look at him.

"He looks like a fox-dog." I'm pretty sure Naruto set out to get a fox lookalike in the first place but don't comment. "How about Fox?"

"Have some imagination. I'd call him something like Sly, or Red…" Naruto catches on with some ridiculous suggestions about screaming and destroying our home.

"So it's decided. He shall be called Sly-Demon-Who-Destroys-And-Tortures-With-Wailing. That's cute. It'll be fun to call him in the park." Naruto nods at Sly-Demon-Who-Destroys-And-Tortures-With-Wailing resolutely. "But you're not an evil trickster, are you? You just look a little like one- I got it! You can't complain. It's imaginative."

"What is it?" I ask, raising my eyebrows at the road.

"Trick! It's perfect." I wrinkle my nose, but can't argue. It does seem to fit. Somewhat.

_So that's how we became an official family (Naruto doesn't know about it yet). Naruto, Trick and me. As you might have guessed it only took three days before Naruto tired of cleaning up afterwards. I was lucky Trick learned so fast about where his business did and did not go. I have to get up at five all this week because Naruto's away on business, but he's mostly stuck to his promise. And mostly I'm glad we got a dog too. _

* * *


End file.
